I’ve been through some major life events and this year brought a new one…divorce. Yep, I know…shocker for many but some things you just don’t talk about. I won’t go into details but I wanted to share how I’ve learned to cope with major life trauma and events. First big one for me was the sickness and death of my son, then my mom had a 19 month battle with cancer and she left this earth a little over a year ago. Besides that there have been other events as well, but sickness and death, now divorce would definitely be BIG ones. Surprisingly, many have said I seem to be doing so well considering, so I thought it was worth talking about & maybe it might help someone in some way or at least you’ll know that you’re not alone.
Me working on myself over the past 6+ years has been my coping mechanism. I think many people thought it was just my thing, it’s what I do, I’m just really into fitness and eating clean…but it’s been way more than that. It started with the sickness and death of our son. That was a big wake up call for me and going through that around 30 years old really changed me in so many ways. It made me see life in a whole new way & I am forever grateful. It made me value life and the simple things, the people over things, not taking things for granted and being grateful that I’m alive and breathing every single day.
I was pushing through the hurt, tending to babies and kind of lost myself for a while, the first 3 years or so after. Diego flashed through my head at every waking moment and it took me years to actually sleep through the night. I remember going to a therapist for a few sessions. We were living in Mexico at the time and I balled my eyes out to her. I was so lost, so broken, felt so alone, had 3 kids who all needed me and I made the most of it for them of course, all the while I’m falling apart. For brief moments to escape I would crank up a fun song and dance around with them. it was a highlight during the dark times where we could dance around and sing. I’d pick the little ones up and dance around with them, taking turns and it would give me some life, like a little adrenaline shot to keep pushing forward for the rest of that day or the afternoon.
After crying my eyes out a few times, I never went back to see the counselor. I made a decision that I wouldn’t keep living in that same place of darkness. I could let what happened to me consume me and continue to bring me and keep me down or I could start looking at things differently. I could choose to find joy. I could choose to find beauty in my situation. I could choose to love myself in that mess or not.
It started with my mindset. It started with my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I had to learn to love myself first inside and out as I was, a complete train wreck who had taken life for granted leading up to that major event. I had to shut down the inner mean girl that had been haunting me for years. You know the one that tells you you’re not good enough, you never will be. You don’t have what it takes. What will people say, what will they think, always trying to fit in but never measuring up. It lead me on an empty path trying to find belonging and peace, trying to fill a void that could never be filled outside of myself …It seriously took time to re-train my brain and lots of personal development books, seminars, podcasts etc. It doesn’t happen overnight and I think that’s something people don’t realize as well. It takes time and work to change those habits and those ways of thinking.
I realized that I couldn’t change anyone else but myself. I could change the way I thought, the way I reacted, the way I perceived things and it created a happier, better quality of life even through a bad situation. I was able to create my own little happy bubble in a sense even when things were bad. I changed the way I reacted to things and picked my battles. I practiced love, forgiveness and grace not only with myself but with others which helped along the way as well.
Of course, even with coping and changing myself it made things better but not completely. Being strong and changing myself was my coping mechanism. It was the only thing I knew to do or wanted to do after being broken for so long. I didn’t want to let it consume my life and take over. I’d rather be strong and use my life, my story to help others.
At the same time, I was strong…I pushed the hurt deep down inside. Maybe I dealt with some of it, I’ve forgiven and forgiven and forgiven…but I’m realizing there’s lots of hurt that I haven’t dealt with. It took a special friend showing me love without an agenda to realize it. Showing me honor, respect, value, support, kindness, integrity…all completely genuine and with no strings attached.
The saying rings true…I’m happy, hurting and healing all at the same time.
I’m just taking it one day at a time. Going to continue working on myself and taking care of myself inside and out. I know that being strong is courageous. Being vulnerable and sharing my story helps me heal and is also brave. It helps others and that’s one thing that brings me joy, plus it helps me connect with others and know we’re not alone. We are all going through stuff. There will be ups and downs for sure. It’s all in the way we handle it, the way we perceive what’s happening to us, the way we react to it. It will be hard regardless, but I have found that when I’m in a better place because I’ve put in the work on myself – mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally – I can better handle what life throws at me. I can take it on with grace, compassion, forgiveness and to me that feels way better than the way I used to handle things.
All the love to you! Remember, you are worth it! You are enough regardless, just as you are. Love yourself first. Treat yourself as you would your kids, your bff, your lover. Go above and beyond for you like you would them & practice that grace and forgiveness with yourself as well. <3
Always here for you! xxoo, alicia